Kev's Jokes Page

Why men should not write advice columns

2007-12-21T22:25:00.000Z

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

Why sit when you can stand!!

2007-12-11T01:40:00.000Z

See the following picture
http://picasaweb.google.com/eebai1/TInThePark2006/photo#5022188018638404242

So ladies, there's an idea for Christmas parties and last minute present ideas...
http://www.pmate.co.uk/demo.html

This is Amazing!!

2007-12-10T23:25:00.000Z

Forward this message to 5 people within 3 minutes and

F£$K ALL will happen!!

I tried it twice and it worked both times!

Absolutely F£$K ALL happened!!

THIS REALLY WORKS

Pass this on - more people need to know about this!!

Keepin' it real, like, isn't...

2007-11-12T12:11:00.001Z

If you haven't seen these Armstrong & Miller sketches or live abroad and miss the BBC, check this out - it has to be some of the funniest sh!t I've seen for ages, isn't it, like, keepin' it real

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=by33gZv8_BA

Search youtube.com for "armstrong miller raf" for more brilliance!! such as

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwNQf08Kxsw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jt5P_zvE5qY&NR=1

If you can't access the RAF guys via the BBC YouTubes, try them at this user

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=JCoquillon

He/she has uploaded 8 of them - still pure genius!

Air Force Test

2007-10-25T23:28:00.000Z

This will drive you (and/or the kids!) nuts!! Have fun!

The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.

If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes.

Give it a try but be careful...it is addictive!!
Air Force Test
http://members.iinet.net.au/%7Epontipak/redsquare.html

Becoming illegal

2007-10-21T09:29:00.000Z

(Adapt as appropriate to your own location)

A letter sent from a Maryland resident to his Senator

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you. My primary reason for wishing to change my status from a U.S. Citizen to an illegal alien stems from the bill that was recently passed by the Senate, and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car. If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Get your Forms NOW! Call your Internal Revenue Service
1-800-289-1040.

Please pass this onto your friends so they can save on this great offer too!

File Under: Queasy Listening

2007-08-29T09:13:00.000Z

Strange but true?

www.myspace.com/shamusdark
Sounding like the bastard off-spring of Frank Sinatra and Massive Attack, "Songs For Suicidal Lovers" is the debut album from enigmatic and reclusive vocalist, Shamus Dark. Featuring songs made famous by Frank Sinatra, as well as other classics from writers and performers as diverse as Chet Baker, Carlos Jobim, Hank Willams, and Joy Division, the album really is a different take on what has gone before. Like Shamus himself, it's a Dark album, not for the faint of heart.

From www.shamusdark.com (The Music)
One For My Baby (And One More For The Road)
Shamus says: "Well, this one's supposed to be the granddaddy of all saloon songs. Harold Arlen and Johnny Mercer wrote it in the 40's, for Sinatra I think. It's certainly associated with him, probably more so than Angel Eyes. We had to think twice about doing it. In the end, we thought that, although the older generation will be comparing our version with Frank's, well, they're all going to drop off the perch pretty soon, so it really doesn't matter. It's a fantastic arrangement and I would say, a fitting end to the album."

Read his story here - true or a false myth-build?

Chaps and Chapettes Unite!

2007-08-29T09:05:00.000Z

WHAT IS THE CHAP?
http://www.thechap.net/

The Chap takes a wry look at the modern world through the steamed-up monocle of a more refined age, occasionally getting its sock suspenders into a twist at the unspeakable vulgarity of the twenty-first century.

Since 1999, the Chap has been championing the rights of that increasingly marginalised and discredited species of Englishman - the gentleman. The Chap believes that a society without courteous behaviour and proper headwear is a society on the brink of moral and sartorial collapse, and it seeks to reinstate such outmoded but indispensable gestures as hat doffing, giving up one's seat to a lady and regularly using a trouser press.

It is time for Chaps and Chapettes from all walks of life to stand up and be counted. But fear not, ye languid and ye plain idle: ours is a revolution based not on getting up early and exerting oneself - but a revolution that can be achieved by a single raised eyebrow over a monocle; the ordering of a glass of port in All Bar One; the wearing of a particularly fetching cardigan upon a visit to one's bookmaker.

See The Chap Manifesto where there are also links to

Civilise the City: Several operatives entered the premises of Mr. R. McDonald, where they requested devilled kidneys, kedgeree and vintage champagne. Needless to say, they left empty-bladdered. Other flashpoints were Starbucks (where pots of oolong and china cups were not forthcoming); Specsavers (no monocles); All Bar One (cocktails off the menu)
V&A art protest: Twenty seven followers of The Chap handcuffed themselves around Rachel Whiteread's 'Untitled (Room 101)' in the Cast Courts of the Victoria and Albert Museum, as a protest against the pointless intrusion by contemporary art pieces into public areas.
Tate Modern protest: On a beautiful Spring morning, three men arrived at Tate Modern to attempt the unthinkable: an ascent of the South Face of Whiteread in the Turbine Hall. Ms Whiteread had spent months assembling 14,000 resin casts of an ordinary cardboard box into an impressive pile standing some sixty-seven feet high.

And check out some wonderful memories of your mum's old knitting pattern photos at the back issues section

Enjoy, old boys and gals, enjoy!

Hold Your Plums!

2007-08-12T01:14:00.000Z

Here is a link to the best of a Scouse institution - "Hold Your Plums"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/liverpool/fun/2002/07/hold_your_plums/plums_index.shtml

There are some classics but good places to start are
"Which country drives on the left?"
"Hugh and I" (although I must admit I hadn't heard of the programme)
"What did Walter Raleigh bring back from the New World?"
"John Barnes legs"

Battle at Kruger Park

2007-06-20T08:11:00.000Z

Not a joke as such but just fantastic footage!

The camera never lies?

2007-06-13T10:46:00.000Z

Is this some sort of optical illusion or can they have been so dumb that they didn't think the shape would be picked up by satellite imaging!

Click here for Google Satellite of San Diego Bay Naval Base area and then zoom in

The dog's bollardier

2007-05-20T00:16:00.000Z

As you may know I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Another Bush Classic? Truth or Myth?

2007-05-20T00:15:00.001Z

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To eveyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Music Jokes

2007-02-22T01:43:00.000Z

Loads of classics here
http://www.vocalist.org.uk/jokes_music.html
with links off to other stuff as well.

Some of my faves...

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

A little boy finally convinces his parents to get him a bass. After his first lesson his daddy asks how the lesson went. "Great, " says the little boy, "I learned all the notes in first position on the E string." For the next week he practiced E, F, F#, G, Ab. After the second week his daddy asks how the lesson went. "Great, " says the little boy, "I learned all the notes in first position on the A string." For the next week he practiced A, Bb, B, C, C#. After the third week his daddy asks how the lesson went. "I had to skip the lesson, man," he says, "I got a call about a gig."

Q: What's the definition of a half-tone?
A: Two fretless bass players playing in unison.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"
She claims, "that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

Q: What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
A: He puts his Leslie on "slow".

Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with two million.

A man holding a pet boa constrictor walks into a night club to get a drink and sits next to a blind man. He orders a drink and water for his buddy (the boa). The blind man says, "Hey, no one drinks water at the bar." The boa's owner smiles and replies, "My buddy does." The blind man replies, "I gotta meet you guys." He reaches over to the other man and touches his face. He says "Round, Beard, & Brows - you're a 30 year old Irish man". Next, he reaches over the the boa and touches it's face. He says, "Slimey, Scaley, & Cold. You must be the club owner".

Q: What's the difference between a Female Singer and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

A guitar player walks into his rehearsal room to find his drummer and bass player fighting. He breaks the fight up and asks the bass player why they were fighting. The Bass player tells him that the drummer had de-tuned one of his bass strings. The singer says " That's no reason to fight", the bass player says "Yes it is, He won't tell me which string it was."

Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.

Sensible Observations (Authorship Not Verified)

2007-02-11T12:14:00.000Z

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
-- Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
-- Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -- Jeff Foxworthy

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
-- Bob Ettinger

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
-- Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
-- Paul Rodriguez

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
-- Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
-- Oscar Wilde

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirins" and "Keep away from children."
-- Author Unknown

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
-- A. Whitney Brown

"Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.?
-- Unknown, presumed deceased

"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
-- W. C. Fields

Lipstick in School -- Priceless!!

2007-01-30T21:21:00.000Z

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...

Important Announcement from Apple

2007-01-23T00:51:00.000Z

Announcement from Apple
"Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."

Unusual Jig-saw puzzle

2006-11-27T00:23:00.000Z

Not your usual jigsaw puzzle! Great fun to do

This is amazing, the picture has movement in it the entire time you are working on it.

Drag the pieces together to make a picture. Yes, it can be done completely!

Click Here : http://www.brl.ntt.co.jp/people/hara/fly.swf

The Choice

2006-11-06T02:23:00.000Z

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your pen*s was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has," says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen".

You couldn't make it up!

2006-10-05T21:20:00.000Z

History of Dance, Schmance!

2006-09-25T23:17:00.000Z

Here's a link to that YouTube "History of Dance" that everyone (?!) is talking about?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ozp8Cnnpt0Q

Personally, I don't see what all the fuss is about and I prefer these...
Dancing Trombone Man http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DE3hZY9_gDY
Are You Tired of Rhythm? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Uxat_WmwCU
Old Guy Rapping http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDIv8rUD1qI

Beatboxing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aA06llnVDpw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plFMqI2xpbQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6h5YEiolyc

Do WOMEN OVER REACT?

2006-09-23T23:51:00.000Z

Click on the image to view full size

STEVE IRWIN - STINGRAY DENIES ALL

2006-09-06T20:04:00.000Z

When Harry Met Sally

2006-08-28T22:27:00.000Z

Harry met Sally in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening, Sally invited Harry to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sally began tenderly stroking Harry's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Harry commented, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sally replied, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and miss the days when I had mine."

Bad Bad Puppy

2006-08-27T21:12:00.000Z

Warning - contains offensive language but I found it funny!

Only click the link below if you are NOT easily offended and have your speakers turned down if you're at work or within earshot of people who are easily offended

bad bad puppy
Uploaded by demoned2

British Tourists - Travel agency quotes

2006-08-23T23:24:00.000Z

Where do we find these people! or are they really smart p!sstakers?

1. The brochure says no hairdressers in the resort - we are trainee hairdressers, will we be able to go there?

2. I believe you need a visa for Egypt - will MasterCard do?

3. I'm never flying to Jamaice with Airtours again. It took us nine hours but it only took the Americans three hours

4. I had a wonderful holiday in Kenya but I think I should bring to your Health & Safety department's attention the fact that the animals were not fenced in

5. Can I have a window seat please, it's a long journey and I would like some fresh air

6. In a hotel quiz: Q: Which beetle did the ancient Egyptians revere? A: I know this one, it was John Lennon!

Laughing Babies

2006-08-23T22:58:00.000Z

You may find this funny... even if you're not really into cute ickle bundles of fun!!

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Good Maths

2006-08-05T12:24:00.000Z

Church bulletins

2006-08-05T12:22:00.000Z

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
---------------------------------------------------- ---------
The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
-------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
Help they can get.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth into Joy."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

Teams that didn't quite make the World Cup

2006-07-10T21:33:00.000Z

1. www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/fichaje1.mpe

2. www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/fichaje2.mpe

3. www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/malasuerte1.mpe

4. www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/malasuerte2.mpe

5. www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/malasuerte3.mpe

All are around 1meg except the last one which is just under half a meg but they are worth it!

What made Zidane mad?

2006-07-10T20:39:00.000Z

Rumours circulating on the net reveal what Materazzi said to provoke Zidane's moment of madness at the end of the World Cup Final...

Although Zidane is to "talk about the incident in the coming days" (see http://tinyurl.com/kvbyq - and I really hope that isn't true!), on a lighter note, one theory is that Materazzi just said...

"Impressionism is not art" !

And you can see how different countries saw the incident at
http://homes.ukoln.ac.uk/~lisey/footie/

and finally
Take a look at this for profiteering (or not as the case may be)
http://tinyurl.com/s6grx

Disorder in the Court

2006-07-10T20:38:00.000Z

Disorder in the Court - some oldies but goodies!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh...
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And, the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Well, I guess it's possible he could be out practising law somewhere.

The First Grade

2006-07-09T22:32:00.000Z

A class of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit you GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words !"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. USE 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said..."Winnie the SHIT."

Sad Story

2006-07-09T22:31:00.000Z

Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied
a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very
large shark.

Through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor
man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in
time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing 2 men wearing England shirts
sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon
into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other reached out and
pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to
death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat
along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they
heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the
England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the
England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for
sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and
knows everything about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows f*ck all about shark fishing. How's
the bait holding up?"

Mag-na-fff-king-fique!

2006-06-23T11:32:00.000Z

You'll appreciate this if
1. you're interested in cricket
2. you're interested in languages or
3. you just like a good laugh

Click the play button above or go to http://www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/richie-mag-na-fff-king-fique.mp3

HOW TO TELL THE GENDER OF A BIRD

2006-06-22T22:57:00.000Z

HOW TO TELL THE GENDER OF A BIRD
This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference Between Male and Female Birds.

I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until Now.

Which of The Two Birds Is a Female???

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...

See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.

It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

It must be true - it's on the net!

2006-06-22T22:54:00.000Z

http://hypocrisytoday.com/noabilit.htm

AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

The President pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

"It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and also find a place for all illegal aliens no matter how useless they may be."

Have you come acloss this gleat internet site yet?

2006-06-22T22:53:00.000Z

When you've nothing better to do, blowse alound
www.engrish.com

Something for evelyone!

Test for Dementia ....

2006-03-29T11:54:00.000Z

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this! Are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again

Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

And one from Les Dawson...

2006-03-22T23:52:00.000Z

It was the happiest day of my life.

I arrived at the church...

wife waiting at the altar...

walked up the aisle...

kissed her on the cheek...

smiled...

closed the lid

The Tunnel

2006-03-22T23:50:00.000Z

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian Rockies, were an American guy, a Canadian guy, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The Train travels into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks...

The old Greek lady thinks: The American guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde girl thinks: That American guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The American thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Canadian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the American again.

MENS' RULES FOR WOMEN

2006-03-19T01:19:00.000Z

MENS' RULES FOR WOMEN

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us whinging about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, St Valentine's, and Anniversaries are special days. They are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar and remind us frequently.

4. Saturday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Leave it alone.

5. Shopping is NOT a leisure activity, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

6. Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

7. I go clothes shopping to buy … never to look.

8. You have more than enough clothes and too many shoes.

9. When we have to go out, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Honestly.

10. Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed and remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all, I am getting dressed, not getting ready.

11. Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if you should wear this, that or the other accessory. This is a no win situation and I would rather just wait for you to get dressed while I watch the telly.

12. Crying is blackmail.

13. Most fellas own three pairs of shoes and the same number of tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair of shoes, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

14. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

15. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your friends are for.

16. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

17. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

18. If something we said can be interpreted in two, or more, ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we obviously meant the other one.

19. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. You can't do both. If you already know best how to do it, you're better off doing it yourself.

20. I'm sorry but the relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get used to it.

21. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

22. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

23. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer that question anymore.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will assume nothing's wrong.

25. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, football and sex.

26. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

27. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. ;-) We have no idea what mauve is.

28. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

29. We always look at breasts. It's genetic. That's what they're for.

30. I'm in shape - Round IS a shape.

31. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

32. When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate, and acceptable, response.

33. When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial, do not hassle me that the commercials have probably finished, and to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Furthermore, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back to a channel I've skipped. There was a good reason why I skipped it.

34. Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

35. If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

36. If I mention that a mate of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

37. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know … I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that. It's like camping.

Dog's Life

2006-03-13T10:52:00.000Z

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch
of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

DORMEZ TRANQUILLES, SARKO VEILLE

2006-03-09T12:39:00.000Z

Welsh Film Industry

2006-02-28T15:10:00.000Z

Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, Charlotte Church is a well-known celebrity slapper in the UK, Niki-J has hit the big time in Oz, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production.

They are going to remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release 2006:

9½ Leeks
Trefforest Gump
Cwmando
The Lost Boyos
An American Werewolf in Powys
Huw Dares Gwyneth
Dai Hard
The Wizard of Oswestry
Cool Hand Look-you
Sheepless in Seattle
The Eagle has Llandudno
The Magnificent Severn
Haverfordwest Was Won
Austin Powys
The Magic Rhonddabout
Independence Dai
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch That Time
Forgot
Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
Welsh Connection
Welsh Connection II
The Bridge on the River Wye
Lawrence of Llandybie
A Beautiful Mind-you
The Welsh Patient
The King and Mair
The Sheepshag Redemption
Breakfast at Taffynys
Look You Back in Bangor
Evans Can Wait
A Fishguard Called Rhondda
Where Eagles Aberdare
Dial M For Merthyr

Fun Opinions

2006-02-20T09:57:00.000Z

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.
John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'c$nt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?
Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les, Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.
Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J

Advantage of Being Chinese

2006-02-15T13:54:00.000Z

Look at the picture below.
If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese. It works!

I tought I taw a puddy cat a-creepin' up on me...

2006-02-10T00:24:00.000Z

Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety...(wait for it. It's worth it)... then scroll down..

This was an idiot test.
How long did you watch?
0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds - remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds - it is recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - you probably can't read this anyway. So why bother?
1-2 min - the equivalent of the average house plant
2-5 min - are you a politician?
5 min-1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1hr plus - You have a negative IQ.

To find out what your prize is, watch bugs until he finishes his carrot...

Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

2006-01-31T15:43:00.000Z

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to: take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2005 winners:

1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows very little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Doppeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter, when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor: The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Two from last year:
1) Flatulance: The vehicle that takes you to the emergency room after you've be run over by a steam roller.

2) Rectitude: The stance a proctologist takes when he is about to examine you.

Sarah Silverman Jesus Is Magic Soundboard

2005-12-19T16:18:00.000Z

Not for the easily offended!
http://www.jesusismagicthemovie.com/soundboard/

Practice, practice, practice!

2005-12-19T16:02:00.000Z

A Teacher's nightmare

2005-12-12T11:05:00.000Z

A class of primary children started a class project to make a plant pot to take home. The teacher wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so it was decided to use cactus plants. The children were given greenware pottery in the style of a clown plant pot. They painted them with glaze and had them professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.

It was great fun. They planted the cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely. Unfortunately, however, they were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed, replaced with a small ivy plant, and the children were then allowed to take them home. The teacher said cactus “seemed like a good idea at the time”...

Poor Ken!

2005-12-12T11:00:00.001Z

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift, so he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95
and Divorced Barbie: £299.99

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's car
Ken's house
Ken's boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend...

Aussie beer

2005-11-29T23:38:00.000Z

The general Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania),Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), Carlton (Victoria) .... were at an international beer conference. They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.

The president of Tooheys says without hesitation "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The president of Cascade smiles and says "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water!"

The Carlton president proudly says "I'll have a Carlton, the King of Beers!"

The bloke from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a diet coke."

The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head. He just shrugs and says, "Well if you blokes aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

They say there are only two states to be in, Pissed & Queensland

Addictive tennis game to drive you mad

2005-10-31T01:05:00.000Z

http://www.mcsaatchi.webcentral.com.au/tennischallenge/optus_tennis_site_edited.html

Spooky Facts

2005-10-18T08:33:00.000Z

Yep it's another of those "How do they find the time to dig this stuff up"!

"11" has become to be a very interesting number. It could be a forced coincidence, but in any case this is interesting. You decide for yourself:

1) New York City has 11 letters.

2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.

3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened the Twin Towers in1993) has 11
letters.

4) George W. Bush has 11 letters.

This could be a mere coincidence... (Could it be?) . Now here is what is interesting...

1) New York is the State # 11

2) The first plane crushing against the Twin Towers was flight #11.

3) Flight # 11 was carrying 92 passengers Adding this number gives 9+2=11.

4) Flight # 77 who also hit the towers, was carrying 65 passengers. Adding this: 6+5=11.

5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11. Adding this: 9+1+1=11

6) The date is equal to the emergency number 911. Adding this: 9+1+1=11

Now we have a very upsetting piece..

1) The total number of victims inside the planes are 254: 2+5+4=11

2) The day September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year: 2+5+4=11

3) After September 11, there are 111 days more to the end of the year.

4) The tragedy of 3/11/2004 in Madrid also adds to: 3+1+1+2+4=11.

5) The tragedy in Madrid happened 911 days after the tragedy of the Twin Towers.

Spooky!! Read on.....! This is really eerie . This is something to think about!

Since America is typically represented by an Eagle. Saddam and Bin Laden should have read up on their Muslim passages... The following verse is from the Quran, (the Islamic Bible).

Quran (9:11) -- For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a
fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout he lands of
Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more
rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah;
and there
was peace.

Note the verse number!!!!!

And finally...
1. Open up a blank Word document.
2. Type in Q33 NY in capitals. (This is the flight number of the 1st plane
to hit the World Trade Center *gate Q33 @ NY (new york)
3. Highlight the Q33 NY
4. Change the font size to 48.
5. Change the actual font to wingdings
6. Hey presto!

First Christmas Joke of 2005

2005-09-28T18:29:00.000Z

Tax Systems

2005-09-27T10:48:00.000Z

Tax cuts - How they really work

Sometimes Politicians can exclaim; "It's just a tax cut for the rich!",
and it is just accepted to be fact. But what does that really mean?
Just in case you are not completely clear on this issue,
we hope the following will help.

Please share this with your friends as you see fit. Tax Cuts -
A Simple Lesson In Economics This is how the cookie crumbles.
Please read it carefully.

Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner.
The bill for all ten comes to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes,
it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh $7.
The eighth $12.
The ninth $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed
quite happy with the arrangement, until one day,
the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he
said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20."
So, now dinner for the ten only cost $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.
So, the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free.
But what about the other six, the paying customers?
How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get
his fair share? The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.
But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man
and the sixth man would each end up being 'PAID' to eat their meal.

So, the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce
each man's bill by roughly the same proportion, and he proceeded
to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before.
And the first four continued to eat for free.
But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man.
He pointed to the tenth man "but he got $10!" "Yeah, that's right,"
exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too.
It's unfair that he got ten times more than me!"
"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when
I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!" "Wait a minute," yelled
the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all.
The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for dinner,
so the nine sat down and ate without him.
But when it came time to pay the bill,
they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money
amongst them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors,
is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes
get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much,
attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up
at the table anymore. There are lots of good restaurants
in Europe and the Caribbean.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D
Distinguished Professor of Economics
536 Brooks Hall
University of Georgia

International Monetary Fun

2005-09-27T10:11:00.000Z

BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000. "This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Chiraq, who was so kind as to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash."

The state, ravaged by Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild. "Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer-upper,'" said Bush. "He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live in again. And they've got a lot of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it."

The move has been met with incredulity from the already beleaguered residents of Louisiana. However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by Republicans. "This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. "Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25 million dollars in pure profit."

"This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. "Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and take it back again."

The money gained from 'The Louisiana Refund' is expected to be immediately pumped back into the rebuilding of Iraq.

A MORAL QUESTION

2005-09-22T20:59:00.000Z

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand
morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation
in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to
each line.

===============================================

THE SITUATION

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you
caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical
proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper,
and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot
career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling
around you, some disappearing under the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

===============================================

THE TEST

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for
his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You
move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who
it is. It's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are
about to take him under forever. You have two options--you
can save the life of GeorgeW.Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic
Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the
world's most powerful politicians.

===============================================

THE QUESTION

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

How Smart is Your Foot?

2005-08-30T21:00:00.000Z

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep
trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot.
But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.
Make sure you pass this on to your friends.. They won't be able to
believe it either!!!

Cricket Sledgings / One Liners

2005-08-30T20:59:00.000Z

"Bowl him a piano, see if he can play that!".....

The Greatest Cricketing sledges of all time..........

To get you in the mood for the last match for the Ashes....

1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes
match,Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So
how's your wife & my kids?"

2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:As Cullinan was on his way to
the wicket, Warne told him he had Been waiting 2 years for another chance
to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

3. Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer
Eddo Brandes): "Hey Eddo, why are you so F**ing Fat?" Eddo Brandes:
"Because everytime I F*** your mother, she throws me a biscuit"

4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said
to Smith after he played & missed:"You can't f**king bat". Smith to Hughes
after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't
f**king bat & you can't f**king bowl."

5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed
called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed:
"Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West
Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at
him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be
staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed
him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f**k off."

7. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment
which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called
for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney...
"You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"

8. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and
was greeted by Mark Waugh....... MW : "F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are
you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for
England"
JO : "Maybe not, but at least i'm the best player in my family"

9. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's d*ck
taste like?"
Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath (losing it): "If
you ever F*&king mention my wife again, I'll F*ing rip your F*fing throat
out."

10. Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam
Parore) comes to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark - "Ohh, I
remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t
then, you're fu*king useless now". Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah,
that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I
hear You've married her. You dumb c*nt".

11. Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri
Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the
batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump
character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put a Mars
Bar on a good length. That should do it."

12. Ravi shastri v/s the aussie 12th man (don't remember who,
and don't want to slander anyone ) shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a
single...this guy gets the ball in and says "if you leave the crease
i'll break your f***ing head" Shastri: "if you could bat as well as you
can talk you wouldn't be the f***ing 12th man"

13. Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played
and missed a couple of times. Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out
now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

14. Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes
to first slip,and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a
word.
At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises
sheepishly.
"I should've kept my legs together, Fred". "So should your mother" he
replied.

Don't you just lov'em

2005-06-23T08:52:00.000Z

This is where I will be storing all those fantastic jokes you love to send to and receive from me