When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
-- Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
-- Drew Carey
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -- Jeff Foxworthy
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
-- Bob Ettinger
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
-- Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
-- Paul Rodriguez
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
-- Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
-- Oscar Wilde
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirins" and "Keep away from children."
-- Author Unknown
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
-- A. Whitney Brown
"Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.?
-- Unknown, presumed deceased
"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
-- W. C. Fields
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