Music Jokes

Loads of classics here
http://www.vocalist.org.uk/jokes_music.html
with links off to other stuff as well.

Some of my faves...

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

A little boy finally convinces his parents to get him a bass. After his first lesson his daddy asks how the lesson went. "Great, " says the little boy, "I learned all the notes in first position on the E string." For the next week he practiced E, F, F#, G, Ab. After the second week his daddy asks how the lesson went. "Great, " says the little boy, "I learned all the notes in first position on the A string." For the next week he practiced A, Bb, B, C, C#. After the third week his daddy asks how the lesson went. "I had to skip the lesson, man," he says, "I got a call about a gig."

Q: What's the definition of a half-tone?
A: Two fretless bass players playing in unison.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"
She claims, "that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

Q: What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
A: He puts his Leslie on "slow".

Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with two million.

A man holding a pet boa constrictor walks into a night club to get a drink and sits next to a blind man. He orders a drink and water for his buddy (the boa). The blind man says, "Hey, no one drinks water at the bar." The boa's owner smiles and replies, "My buddy does." The blind man replies, "I gotta meet you guys." He reaches over to the other man and touches his face. He says "Round, Beard, & Brows - you're a 30 year old Irish man". Next, he reaches over the the boa and touches it's face. He says, "Slimey, Scaley, & Cold. You must be the club owner".

Q: What's the difference between a Female Singer and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

A guitar player walks into his rehearsal room to find his drummer and bass player fighting. He breaks the fight up and asks the bass player why they were fighting. The Bass player tells him that the drummer had de-tuned one of his bass strings. The singer says " That's no reason to fight", the bass player says "Yes it is, He won't tell me which string it was."

Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.