Why men should not write advice columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

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Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

Why sit when you can stand!!

See the following picture
http://picasaweb.google.com/eebai1/TInThePark2006/photo#5022188018638404242

So ladies, there's an idea for Christmas parties and last minute present ideas...
http://www.pmate.co.uk/demo.html

This is Amazing!!

Forward this message to 5 people within 3 minutes and

F£$K ALL will happen!!

I tried it twice and it worked both times!

Absolutely F£$K ALL happened!!

THIS REALLY WORKS

Pass this on - more people need to know about this!!

Keepin' it real, like, isn't...

If you haven't seen these Armstrong & Miller sketches or live abroad and miss the BBC, check this out - it has to be some of the funniest sh!t I've seen for ages, isn't it, like, keepin' it real

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=by33gZv8_BA

Search youtube.com for "armstrong miller raf" for more brilliance!! such as

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwNQf08Kxsw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jt5P_zvE5qY&NR=1

If you can't access the RAF guys via the BBC YouTubes, try them at this user

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=JCoquillon

He/she has uploaded 8 of them - still pure genius!

Air Force Test

This will drive you (and/or the kids!) nuts!! Have fun!

The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.

If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes.

Give it a try but be careful...it is addictive!!
Air Force Test
http://members.iinet.net.au/%7Epontipak/redsquare.html

Becoming illegal

(Adapt as appropriate to your own location)

A letter sent from a Maryland resident to his Senator


The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC , 20510


Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you. My primary reason for wishing to change my status from a U.S. Citizen to an illegal alien stems from the bill that was recently passed by the Senate, and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car. If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Get your Forms NOW! Call your Internal Revenue Service
1-800-289-1040.


Please pass this onto your friends so they can save on this great offer too!

File Under: Queasy Listening

Strange but true?

www.myspace.com/shamusdark
Sounding like the bastard off-spring of Frank Sinatra and Massive Attack, "Songs For Suicidal Lovers" is the debut album from enigmatic and reclusive vocalist, Shamus Dark. Featuring songs made famous by Frank Sinatra, as well as other classics from writers and performers as diverse as Chet Baker, Carlos Jobim, Hank Willams, and Joy Division, the album really is a different take on what has gone before. Like Shamus himself, it's a Dark album, not for the faint of heart.

From www.shamusdark.com (The Music)
One For My Baby (And One More For The Road)
Shamus says: "Well, this one's supposed to be the granddaddy of all saloon songs. Harold Arlen and Johnny Mercer wrote it in the 40's, for Sinatra I think. It's certainly associated with him, probably more so than Angel Eyes. We had to think twice about doing it. In the end, we thought that, although the older generation will be comparing our version with Frank's, well, they're all going to drop off the perch pretty soon, so it really doesn't matter. It's a fantastic arrangement and I would say, a fitting end to the album."

Read his story here - true or a false myth-build?

Chaps and Chapettes Unite!

WHAT IS THE CHAP?
http://www.thechap.net/

The Chap takes a wry look at the modern world through the steamed-up monocle of a more refined age, occasionally getting its sock suspenders into a twist at the unspeakable vulgarity of the twenty-first century.

Since 1999, the Chap has been championing the rights of that increasingly marginalised and discredited species of Englishman - the gentleman. The Chap believes that a society without courteous behaviour and proper headwear is a society on the brink of moral and sartorial collapse, and it seeks to reinstate such outmoded but indispensable gestures as hat doffing, giving up one's seat to a lady and regularly using a trouser press.

It is time for Chaps and Chapettes from all walks of life to stand up and be counted. But fear not, ye languid and ye plain idle: ours is a revolution based not on getting up early and exerting oneself - but a revolution that can be achieved by a single raised eyebrow over a monocle; the ordering of a glass of port in All Bar One; the wearing of a particularly fetching cardigan upon a visit to one's bookmaker.

See The Chap Manifesto where there are also links to

• Civilise the City: Several operatives entered the premises of Mr. R. McDonald, where they requested devilled kidneys, kedgeree and vintage champagne. Needless to say, they left empty-bladdered. Other flashpoints were Starbucks (where pots of oolong and china cups were not forthcoming); Specsavers (no monocles); All Bar One (cocktails off the menu)
• V&A art protest: Twenty seven followers of The Chap handcuffed themselves around Rachel Whiteread's 'Untitled (Room 101)' in the Cast Courts of the Victoria and Albert Museum, as a protest against the pointless intrusion by contemporary art pieces into public areas.
• Tate Modern protest: On a beautiful Spring morning, three men arrived at Tate Modern to attempt the unthinkable: an ascent of the South Face of Whiteread in the Turbine Hall. Ms Whiteread had spent months assembling 14,000 resin casts of an ordinary cardboard box into an impressive pile standing some sixty-seven feet high.
  

And check out some wonderful memories of your mum's old knitting pattern photos at the back issues section

Enjoy, old boys and gals, enjoy!

Hold Your Plums!

Here is a link to the best of a Scouse institution - "Hold Your Plums"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/liverpool/fun/2002/07/hold_your_plums/plums_index.shtml

There are some classics but good places to start are
"Which country drives on the left?"
"Hugh and I" (although I must admit I hadn't heard of the programme)
"What did Walter Raleigh bring back from the New World?"
"John Barnes legs"

Battle at Kruger Park

Not a joke as such but just fantastic footage!

The camera never lies?

Is this some sort of optical illusion or can they have been so dumb that they didn't think the shape would be picked up by satellite imaging!

Click here for Google Satellite of San Diego Bay Naval Base area and then zoom in

The dog's bollardier

As you may know I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Another Bush Classic? Truth or Myth?

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To eveyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Music Jokes

Loads of classics here
http://www.vocalist.org.uk/jokes_music.html
with links off to other stuff as well.

Some of my faves...

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

A little boy finally convinces his parents to get him a bass. After his first lesson his daddy asks how the lesson went. "Great, " says the little boy, "I learned all the notes in first position on the E string." For the next week he practiced E, F, F#, G, Ab. After the second week his daddy asks how the lesson went. "Great, " says the little boy, "I learned all the notes in first position on the A string." For the next week he practiced A, Bb, B, C, C#. After the third week his daddy asks how the lesson went. "I had to skip the lesson, man," he says, "I got a call about a gig."

Q: What's the definition of a half-tone?
A: Two fretless bass players playing in unison.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"
She claims, "that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

Q: What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
A: He puts his Leslie on "slow".

Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with two million.

A man holding a pet boa constrictor walks into a night club to get a drink and sits next to a blind man. He orders a drink and water for his buddy (the boa). The blind man says, "Hey, no one drinks water at the bar." The boa's owner smiles and replies, "My buddy does." The blind man replies, "I gotta meet you guys." He reaches over to the other man and touches his face. He says "Round, Beard, & Brows - you're a 30 year old Irish man". Next, he reaches over the the boa and touches it's face. He says, "Slimey, Scaley, & Cold. You must be the club owner".

Q: What's the difference between a Female Singer and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

A guitar player walks into his rehearsal room to find his drummer and bass player fighting. He breaks the fight up and asks the bass player why they were fighting. The Bass player tells him that the drummer had de-tuned one of his bass strings. The singer says " That's no reason to fight", the bass player says "Yes it is, He won't tell me which string it was."

Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.

Sensible Observations (Authorship Not Verified)

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
-- Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
-- Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -- Jeff Foxworthy

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
-- Bob Ettinger

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
-- Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
-- Paul Rodriguez

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
-- Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
-- Oscar Wilde

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirins" and "Keep away from children."
-- Author Unknown

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
-- A. Whitney Brown

"Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.?
-- Unknown, presumed deceased

"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
-- W. C. Fields

Lipstick in School -- Priceless!!

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...

Important Announcement from Apple

Announcement from Apple
"Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."