1. www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/fichaje1.mpe
2. www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/fichaje2.mpe
3. www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/malasuerte1.mpe
4. www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/malasuerte2.mpe
5. www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/malasuerte3.mpe
All are around 1meg except the last one which is just under half a meg but they are worth it!
Monday, July 10, 2006
What made Zidane mad?
Rumours circulating on the net reveal what Materazzi said to provoke Zidane's moment of madness at the end of the World Cup Final...
Although Zidane is to "talk about the incident in the coming days" (see http://tinyurl.com/kvbyq - and I really hope that isn't true!), on a lighter note, one theory is that Materazzi just said...
"Impressionism is not art" !
And you can see how different countries saw the incident at
http://homes.ukoln.ac.uk/~lisey/footie/
and finally
Take a look at this for profiteering (or not as the case may be)
http://tinyurl.com/s6grx
Although Zidane is to "talk about the incident in the coming days" (see http://tinyurl.com/kvbyq - and I really hope that isn't true!), on a lighter note, one theory is that Materazzi just said...
"Impressionism is not art" !
And you can see how different countries saw the incident at
http://homes.ukoln.ac.uk/~lisey/footie/
and finally
Take a look at this for profiteering (or not as the case may be)
http://tinyurl.com/s6grx
Disorder in the Court
Disorder in the Court - some oldies but goodies!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh...
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And, the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Well, I guess it's possible he could be out practising law somewhere.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh...
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And, the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Well, I guess it's possible he could be out practising law somewhere.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
The First Grade
A class of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit you GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words !"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. USE 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said..."Winnie the SHIT."
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit you GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words !"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. USE 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said..."Winnie the SHIT."
Sad Story
Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied
a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very
large shark.
Through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor
man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in
time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing 2 men wearing England shirts
sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon
into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other reached out and
pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to
death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat
along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they
heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the
England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the
England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for
sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and
knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows f*ck all about shark fishing. How's
the bait holding up?"
a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very
large shark.
Through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor
man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in
time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing 2 men wearing England shirts
sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon
into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other reached out and
pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to
death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat
along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they
heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the
England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the
England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for
sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and
knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows f*ck all about shark fishing. How's
the bait holding up?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)