MENS' RULES FOR WOMEN

MENS' RULES FOR WOMEN

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us whinging about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, St Valentine's, and Anniversaries are special days. They are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar and remind us frequently.

4. Saturday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Leave it alone.

5. Shopping is NOT a leisure activity, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

6. Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

7. I go clothes shopping to buy … never to look.

8. You have more than enough clothes and too many shoes.

9. When we have to go out, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Honestly.

10. Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed and remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all, I am getting dressed, not getting ready.

11. Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if you should wear this, that or the other accessory. This is a no win situation and I would rather just wait for you to get dressed while I watch the telly.

12. Crying is blackmail.

13. Most fellas own three pairs of shoes and the same number of tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair of shoes, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

14. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

15. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your friends are for.

16. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

17. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

18. If something we said can be interpreted in two, or more, ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we obviously meant the other one.

19. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. You can't do both. If you already know best how to do it, you're better off doing it yourself.

20. I'm sorry but the relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get used to it.

21. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

22. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

23. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer that question anymore.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will assume nothing's wrong.

25. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, football and sex.

26. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

27. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. ;-) We have no idea what mauve is.

28. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

29. We always look at breasts. It's genetic. That's what they're for.

30. I'm in shape - Round IS a shape.

31. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

32. When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate, and acceptable, response.

33. When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial, do not hassle me that the commercials have probably finished, and to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Furthermore, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back to a channel I've skipped. There was a good reason why I skipped it.

34. Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

35. If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

36. If I mention that a mate of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

37. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know … I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that. It's like camping.