Unusual Jig-saw puzzle

Not your usual jigsaw puzzle! Great fun to do

This is amazing, the picture has movement in it the entire time you are working on it.

Drag the pieces together to make a picture. Yes, it can be done completely!

Click Here : http://www.brl.ntt.co.jp/people/hara/fly.swf

The Choice

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your pen*s was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has," says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen".

You couldn't make it up!

History of Dance, Schmance!

Here's a link to that YouTube "History of Dance" that everyone (?!) is talking about?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ozp8Cnnpt0Q

Personally, I don't see what all the fuss is about and I prefer these...
Dancing Trombone Man http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DE3hZY9_gDY
Are You Tired of Rhythm? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Uxat_WmwCU
Old Guy Rapping http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDIv8rUD1qI

Beatboxing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aA06llnVDpw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plFMqI2xpbQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6h5YEiolyc

Do WOMEN OVER REACT?

Click on the image to view full size

STEVE IRWIN - STINGRAY DENIES ALL

When Harry Met Sally

Harry met Sally in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening, Sally invited Harry to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sally began tenderly stroking Harry's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Harry commented, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sally replied, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and miss the days when I had mine."

Bad Bad Puppy

Warning - contains offensive language but I found it funny!

Only click the link below if you are NOT easily offended and have your speakers turned down if you're at work or within earshot of people who are easily offended

bad bad puppy
Uploaded by demoned2

British Tourists - Travel agency quotes

Where do we find these people! or are they really smart p!sstakers?

1. The brochure says no hairdressers in the resort - we are trainee hairdressers, will we be able to go there?

2. I believe you need a visa for Egypt - will MasterCard do?

3. I'm never flying to Jamaice with Airtours again. It took us nine hours but it only took the Americans three hours

4. I had a wonderful holiday in Kenya but I think I should bring to your Health & Safety department's attention the fact that the animals were not fenced in

5. Can I have a window seat please, it's a long journey and I would like some fresh air

6. In a hotel quiz: Q: Which beetle did the ancient Egyptians revere? A: I know this one, it was John Lennon!

Laughing Babies

You may find this funny... even if you're not really into cute ickle bundles of fun!!

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Good Maths

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Church bulletins

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
---------------------------------------------------- ---------
The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
-------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
Help they can get.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth into Joy."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

Teams that didn't quite make the World Cup

1. www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/fichaje1.mpe

2. www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/fichaje2.mpe

3. www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/malasuerte1.mpe

4. www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/malasuerte2.mpe

5. www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/malasuerte3.mpe

All are around 1meg except the last one which is just under half a meg but they are worth it!

What made Zidane mad?

Rumours circulating on the net reveal what Materazzi said to provoke Zidane's moment of madness at the end of the World Cup Final...

Although Zidane is to "talk about the incident in the coming days" (see http://tinyurl.com/kvbyq - and I really hope that isn't true!), on a lighter note, one theory is that Materazzi just said...

"Impressionism is not art" !

And you can see how different countries saw the incident at
http://homes.ukoln.ac.uk/~lisey/footie/

and finally
Take a look at this for profiteering (or not as the case may be)
http://tinyurl.com/s6grx

Disorder in the Court

Disorder in the Court - some oldies but goodies!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh...
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And, the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Well, I guess it's possible he could be out practising law somewhere.

The First Grade

A class of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit you GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words !"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. USE 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said..."Winnie the SHIT."

Sad Story

Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied
a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very
large shark.


Through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!


The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor
man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in
time.


At that exact moment a speedboat containing 2 men wearing England shirts
sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon
into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other reached out and
pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to
death.


They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat
along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they
heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.


On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the
England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the
England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for
sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.


As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"


"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and
knows everything about our country."


"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows f*ck all about shark fishing. How's
the bait holding up?"

Mag-na-fff-king-fique!

You'll appreciate this if
1. you're interested in cricket
2. you're interested in languages or
3. you just like a good laugh



Click the play button above or go to http://www.lovelady.org.uk/jokes/richie-mag-na-fff-king-fique.mp3

HOW TO TELL THE GENDER OF A BIRD

HOW TO TELL THE GENDER OF A BIRD
This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference Between Male and Female Birds.

I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until Now.

Which of The Two Birds Is a Female???

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...

See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.

It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

It must be true - it's on the net!

http://hypocrisytoday.com/noabilit.htm


AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

The President pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

"It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and also find a place for all illegal aliens no matter how useless they may be."

Have you come acloss this gleat internet site yet?

When you've nothing better to do, blowse alound
www.engrish.com

Something for evelyone!

Test for Dementia ....

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)






First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
















Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.



Second Question:




If you overtake the last person, then you are...?















Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this! Are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.






Did you get 5000?



The correct answer is actually 4100.


Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
























Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again





Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.






Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
























He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

And one from Les Dawson...

It was the happiest day of my life.

I arrived at the church...

wife waiting at the altar...

walked up the aisle...

kissed her on the cheek...

smiled...

closed the lid

The Tunnel

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian Rockies, were an American guy, a Canadian guy, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The Train travels into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks...

The old Greek lady thinks: The American guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde girl thinks: That American guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The American thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Canadian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the American again.

MENS' RULES FOR WOMEN

MENS' RULES FOR WOMEN

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us whinging about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, St Valentine's, and Anniversaries are special days. They are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar and remind us frequently.

4. Saturday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Leave it alone.

5. Shopping is NOT a leisure activity, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

6. Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

7. I go clothes shopping to buy … never to look.

8. You have more than enough clothes and too many shoes.

9. When we have to go out, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Honestly.

10. Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed and remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all, I am getting dressed, not getting ready.

11. Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if you should wear this, that or the other accessory. This is a no win situation and I would rather just wait for you to get dressed while I watch the telly.

12. Crying is blackmail.

13. Most fellas own three pairs of shoes and the same number of tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair of shoes, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

14. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

15. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your friends are for.

16. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

17. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

18. If something we said can be interpreted in two, or more, ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we obviously meant the other one.

19. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. You can't do both. If you already know best how to do it, you're better off doing it yourself.

20. I'm sorry but the relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get used to it.

21. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

22. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

23. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer that question anymore.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will assume nothing's wrong.

25. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, football and sex.

26. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

27. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. ;-) We have no idea what mauve is.

28. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

29. We always look at breasts. It's genetic. That's what they're for.

30. I'm in shape - Round IS a shape.

31. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

32. When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate, and acceptable, response.

33. When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial, do not hassle me that the commercials have probably finished, and to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Furthermore, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back to a channel I've skipped. There was a good reason why I skipped it.

34. Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

35. If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

36. If I mention that a mate of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

37. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know … I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that. It's like camping.

Dog's Life

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch
of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

DORMEZ TRANQUILLES, SARKO VEILLE

Welsh Film Industry

Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, Charlotte Church is a well-known celebrity slapper in the UK, Niki-J has hit the big time in Oz, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production.

They are going to remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release 2006:

9½ Leeks
Trefforest Gump
Cwmando
The Lost Boyos
An American Werewolf in Powys
Huw Dares Gwyneth
Dai Hard
The Wizard of Oswestry
Cool Hand Look-you
Sheepless in Seattle
The Eagle has Llandudno
The Magnificent Severn
Haverfordwest Was Won
Austin Powys
The Magic Rhonddabout
Independence Dai
The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch That Time
Forgot
Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
Welsh Connection
Welsh Connection II
The Bridge on the River Wye
Lawrence of Llandybie
A Beautiful Mind-you
The Welsh Patient
The King and Mair
The Sheepshag Redemption
Breakfast at Taffynys
Look You Back in Bangor
Evans Can Wait
A Fishguard Called Rhondda
Where Eagles Aberdare
Dial M For Merthyr

Fun Opinions

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.
John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'c$nt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?
Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les, Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.
Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J

Advantage of Being Chinese

Look at the picture below.
If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese. It works!

I tought I taw a puddy cat a-creepin' up on me...

Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety...(wait for it. It's worth it)... then scroll down..































This was an idiot test.
How long did you watch?
0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds - remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds - it is recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - you probably can't read this anyway. So why bother?
1-2 min - the equivalent of the average house plant
2-5 min - are you a politician?
5 min-1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1hr plus - You have a negative IQ.

To find out what your prize is, watch bugs until he finishes his carrot...

Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to: take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2005 winners:

1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows very little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Doppeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter, when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor: The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Two from last year:
1) Flatulance: The vehicle that takes you to the emergency room after you've be run over by a steam roller.

2) Rectitude: The stance a proctologist takes when he is about to examine you.