Sarah Silverman Jesus Is Magic Soundboard

Not for the easily offended!
http://www.jesusismagicthemovie.com/soundboard/

Practice, practice, practice!

A Teacher's nightmare

A class of primary children started a class project to make a plant pot to take home. The teacher wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so it was decided to use cactus plants. The children were given greenware pottery in the style of a clown plant pot. They painted them with glaze and had them professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.

It was great fun. They planted the cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely. Unfortunately, however, they were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed, replaced with a small ivy plant, and the children were then allowed to take them home. The teacher said cactus “seemed like a good idea at the time”...

Poor Ken!

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift, so he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95
and Divorced Barbie: £299.99

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's car
Ken's house
Ken's boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend...